The stages of life: Déjà vu

You reach a point in your life where you sit back and recall each stage, some with clarity and others a blur. The first stage, elementary years. A jumble of good and bad memories. Divorced parents, moving around a lot, not having a lot of friends. Middle school the big move to another state, starting fresh. Hormones start blazing, every other week crushes emerge. Yet as pretty as my family says i am no one else seems to notice that. High school comes still floating unnoticed, dated an older guy, almost got in that fight for a prank gone wrong. Ah, my first love; a boy who was my friend. We shared lunch together, listened to usher songs together, all of that platonic shit that I swore meant he loved me. So I got the courage to write him a four page letter; you know like Aaliyah said to do. I slipped it I to his locker, and waited. Days went bye and I didnt see him in the hallways, he was no where to be found for lunch. Wow, he was dodging me. Eventually I did happen to stop him, ugh the cringe. He told me it wasn’t me, that he didn’t want a girlfriend that’s all. Weeks later he was hand in hand with a blonde, go figure. I left my pride and a piece of my heart in that note. Fast forward to college, move cross country to the big city. Trying to become the next June Ambrose, I enrolled in a top fashion school. I had to drop out eventually because the city life was more expensive than anticipated and I had to work full time. I figured I’d find my way in the world eventually, I could do it. Everything seemed so fresh to me, I was naive I didn’t see the evil in the world. I believed people when they said things and I followed like them like sheep in love.

I dated a great guy, he was so crazy about me. We ended up moving in together, he knew my family( which was a big deal) and they loved him. I knew he wanted to marry me but I felt like I wanted to live some more. Life was exciting and I wanted to explore it on my own. I regret the way I treated him and I guess the rest of my dating history was my karma. A lot of pain and loss in those next few years, but thru that came the birth of my son. The relationship with his father was the one that made me realize how naive and blinded I was in love. We just didn’t mesh well. I moved on because by this point I kinda started understanding life, a thicker skin, less fazed. As much as I felt I messed up and my life was off track I stayed optimistic. I met my husband thru a friend, we hit it off right away and rushed into eventually moving in. He took me and my son and gave us a home, he showed me love I hadn’t felt in so long. I had him on a pedestal. He proposed. We went to city hall to get married on my birthday, the hottest day of the summer at that. He went back to work that day and poof went my fairy tale. I never felt the same way for him, I felt unappreciated once again let down by a Man. Would I ever feel the love I searched for ? Was this it for me? Now with children involved who would want me? My visions of being a Fashion mogul was now just a daydream, so far from my grasp. I started reading self help books. As if a sign from the fashion gods not to give up, I got hired by an online fashion blog and was front row press at New York Fashion Week. My inner Carrie Bradshaw shrieked. I wanted to feel joy, I knew I had something special.

I decided to split with my Husband after years of feeling so empty and depressed, torn with the image of being happy and my kids happiness. I started over in a new city (which seemed like a comfort tool for me). I was a hopeless romantic, which in itself is so negative. Then entered my Groundhogs Day edition of my dating life. You know Groundhogs Day right? That old movie with Bill Murray where he wakes up and everyday is the same day over and over again, deja vu. I kept meeting the same guy, at first perfect but then all of a sudden a monster. The connections became more shallow and the kisses less magical. Why did this keep happening? I’m a good person!!! I decided to surrender at this point. Posting motivational stuff, doing yoga, you know all that namaste shit. In came life lesson 4,563. A wolf in sheep’s clothing. My he’s too good to be true because he is guy. My toxic only wanna be with him guy. My what does he see in me? Then comes the stage where a life altering incident changes your life, a near death experience. I was shocked to my core. I no longer was who I was before. At this point I realized my whole adult life had been about pursing love, happiness. I never realized nothing or nobody could do that. I was given a second chance to restart my life in the direction I wanted it to go. And though I was heartbroken and riled with depression I was stronger than ever before. It’s like a veil was removed from my eyes, the world felt like it did decades back when I moved to the city. The fashionista with big dreams and an even better heart. You see, as much as those memories hurt me they made me realize how powerful we really are. I’ve had so many friends over the years, traveled, made money, shopped like it was my job. And yet no of that could fix what was broken inside. I was looking something to complete me. I was taught the meaning of love, what I thought it was and what it really is. Not some unrealistic Disney movie but something that was an addition to the complete entity you already are. So summing it up; you’re young and clueless then you’re heartbroken. You make friends lose friends, think you’re a grownup. Think you’re in love; maybe an unplanned pregnancy happens. Start comparing your life to people online because their filters make them look happy. Get married for the wrong reasons though they were good reasons at the time. Realize how hard having kids really is, and that you’re tied to life with their father. Sometimes it’s a good thing sometimes it’s not. Kids teach you love, patience and that going clubbing was really lame. You long for your alone time to just be still. You realize that after a decade your husband is actually not that bad. That love isn’t this fairy tale, or Instagram post. It’s this real deep dedication, you learn who you are and you start to enjoy that. This epiphany comes over you and that positive person you knew you were all along balances your life. It’s ok to be responsible, to just be at home doing nothing. I became more productive and the pain slowly disappeared with each therapy session. Im so glad that the mirrored glasses of social media realities came to light, and that people realized that no ones life is perfect. That somewhere in your life of imperfections a beautiful woman was made. You didn’t mess up you created a journal, like tree rings you grow. Some days I cry, stay in bed all day and some days I wear a nice outfit and go out. It takes a long time to find your true self, it’s not gonna be pretty everyday but at least take some time out and smell the flowers.

NYC based Blogger and Podcast Host, Advocate for Empowement and Mental Health Awareness

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