The search for real love, thru the smoke and mirrors.

For many of us we found comfort in the show Sex And The City. Carrie Bradshaw was my love guru, her search for love was so relatable. One of my favorite quotes of hers is ” I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, cant live without each other love.” The search for love seems to be a lifelong struggle for many of us. Ive seen so many sides of love it became a different word, it had a different meaning. I’m from an older generation, generation X. Before the internet, when dating meant actual dates. When R&B songs were recorded on a cd and songs were dedicated to you, things that had meaning.

Hard shoes to fill in this send-me-a-pic era, what is dating nowadays anyways? It seems as though people are disposable now, removed, robotic. Everyone searches for happiness, “goals”, yet offer little. Its scary to be vulnerable, most people seem to be stuck in their traumas unable to overcome them, instead repeatedly damaging others in the process. Theres a lot of beauty in love, even if its pain, and thats how I realized the true meaning of love. The actual feeling of love is transferable to so much, in places you love to go to, in songs, in foods. If you share these things with someone it becomes your link, a painful reminder once they leave. Self love becomes a motto, tattooed to your forehead to never forget. Its amazing to share a bond with someone, to feel passion and complete with someone. However you must feel complete without someone first.

It took me a long time to get that, therapy really helped me realize the attachments i had and I worked thru some of the issues that always affected my relationships. And my need for them became much less, I was able to discover a deeper love with myself; and forgiveness that was much needed. The dependency and neediness was filled with self appreciation. Its typical to ask ourselves why cant I find the right person, but we often times don’t realize we are to blame for the people we select to be a part of our lives, and the flaws that we have that need work. Its easy to point the finger and say this person needs work but oftentimes we are the person who needs work. Most people are selfish by nature, including ourselves. We think about our needs what we like and what we don’t like, we fail to realize the other person might have needs or trauma of their own. It took me a long time to realize this, that I was a main reason my relationships didn’t work, I was looking for someone to save me from the depression and loneliness I felt. I heard a quote once ” if you don’t like your own company why would anyone else?” and that really stuck with me. Love yourself, forgive your past and choose to grow as a person, you then attract all that you are instead of looking for what you lack in someone else.

Understanding that no one is perfect, that the “butterflies” do fade away after time if you don’t continuously work on yourself and your relationship. You are two wholes, not halves and should always keep that in mind. You can work together but also have to work on yourself, demanding someone to be someone else is not only painful for you but to them. We have all these demands, these unrealistic expectations yet we ourselves aren’t perfect so I don’t understand how we expect others to be. To expect perfection is more a sign of inflated ego than reality. People throw in the towel usually because they don’t want to work on themselves or realize they chose the wrong person for them, and oftentimes thru the cycle of dating they realize maybe the problem isn’t other people but its themselves that need to change. So what would be my advice? after years of searching for answers I realize what works for me may not work for others and vice versa, but we all want someone to share our lives with; that make us happy and better people but we must be that way first in order to attract that.

NYC based Blogger and Podcast Host, Advocate for Empowement and Mental Health Awareness