The truth about Marriage, the good the bad and the ugly

 My earliest memories of Marriage was watching Disney movies and seeing the princess rescued by her prince and living happily ever after. Boy was I in for a shock lol, not only is that a toxic way to think, of being “saved” by someone but it often leaves you disappointed. I don’t know where this concept came from honestly, because even decades ago when a woman’s place was at home cooking and cleaning Marriage was no walk in the park. Infidelities, and abuse were very common then, the lack of respect was high because men thought women had no place to say anything. The concept that people who have been married for 30 plus years as being with a soul mate or it being perfect is insane. The truth is Marriage is a looooot of work, oftentimes too much work for the average person. The truth is for some people, getting married is an accomplishment, they feel like they’ve made it, that they found the one who’s gonna complete them and live happily ever after. Rarely is this the case tho, mainly because we cannot find someone to save us without saving ourselves. 

Women look for some one who can fill voids, give them confidence and support them in every way, most don’t like gender roles yet expect to be treated like a queen contridicting themselves often. Now don’t get me wrong I was one of those women, I expected my man to take responsibility, step up, be in control in some ways. I realized that because mentally and emotionally I was broken I would never attract someone to heal me, that I had to fix those voids myself and not expect someone to do it for me. No one owes you anything in life, no one can read your mind, we get mad at the way some men act but never work on our flaws. My marriage was dysfunctional as fuck mainly because I was so stuck in my trauma I couldnt function properly, I was too selfish and didn’t work on myself at all. He isnt a saint by any means but what he’s showed me in the course of our relationship is dedication, sometimes loving me more than I loved Myself. We separated a few times, each time I appreciated him more.

Because our expectations have been so high looking for someone we connect with gets harder and harder. Assuming if a man cheats it means he doesn’t love and respect you, when sometimes thats not the case. And yes, I know this is a sensitive subject for most but heres my point. If a man or women cheats its usually for a reason other than intentionally hurting their partner, it could be an ego boost, the person feels less than their partner. Another reason might be they didn’t have a Father figure as an example, or they’re hyper sexuality is a way to deal with their traumas. In this case I suggest therapy, (which I did) looking deeper and asking yourselves can we work thru this. Most people don’t choose this option because their ego doesn’t allow it. Marriage and relationships in general are so complex but unrealistic expectations stand in our way, ask yourself is this person worth the fight and most importantly am I offering what I seek. 

Its easy for us to point the finger, or even take blame but its harder to look for solutions that actually make a difference. The grass isn’t always greener, because you need to water the grass to keep it green. The same is said for a marriage, looking for that perfect partner may be a waste if you yourself are not perfect. If you have insecurities, doubts, and still have issues about your past then you should definitely talk to someone like a therapist to work thru those traumas. The more healed you feel the less heavy your relationships will feel and the more clear your objectives will be. Listen, I’m no therapist, what works for me may not work for you but I will say stepping of your comfort zone and really working on yourself as well as your marriage will make it last. No one knows the formula of everlasting love, and frankly I don’t know why we want a forever when nothing lasts forever, but I do get that we all want to have a companion. Just like having children, its not for everyone, being in a loving relationship can be more than enough. Marriage does not make you more respectable or loved, you have the power to feel that way on your own. I will say once you work on yourself the dependency on others becomes less. Write down what you’re looking for in someone then ask yourself what you’re offering as well, one thing I notice is the more complete you are the less you’ll expect and the more you will receive in life. Your marriage working or failing may or may not be your fault, but you do have a responsibility to continue to work on yourself because ultimately thats the greatest love we have.

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NYC based Blogger and Podcast Host, Advocate for Empowement and Mental Health Awareness