How to find yourself after having kids, a Parents struggle.

Whew child! If someone would’ve told me how much work being a parent was….lol just kidding they did a million times I just thought they were exaggerating. I became a Mom at the age of 24, the transition from party girl to motherhood was a a tough one. I lost myself, friends, my body changed, I was no longer the person I was before. My relationship with my Oldest child’s father was short lived, we were young and had no idea who we were. We were overtaken by lust and dreams and shortly after my son was born I realized we just weren’t a good match. In this generation we see a lot of these scenarios, and the blame game ensues, the shame from family and friends who don’t understand because they’re not living it follows. And of course, your own depression for a failed relationship and now a new baby also comes to play.

I had the worst postpartum, my Mother died two months after my son was born and my relationship was crumbling. I felt left behind by all my close friends who did not have kids, and isolated from my family. It was a tough time really, but I made it thru that, I powered thru custody battles, child support, mistresses, and depression to become a better woman and mother. I must admit looking back Im a bad ass lol for enduring all that I did at that time. I shortly after met my Husband, he was a good friend of mines brother, we hit it off instantly and became inseparable. Baby number two came quickly and yet again i did not plan as well as I should of, and financial factors came into play and caused a huge strain on our marriage. When I went back to work after having my daughter I felt a switch go off, I just wanted to be with my baby I hated my job. So I chose to stay home, and find myself again. Whether it be fitness, fashion, starting a business, staying at home allows you to find yourself if you make yourself a priority. Its easier said than done when your child is small and you have to work around their nap times, but as they go into school that free time does become your best friend.

In life we go thru many stages, and as a mother we do as well. That exciting joy of being a new parent starts to feel more overwhelming as the tiredness kicks in and the stresses of life grow. I was lost and found several times as a mother, finding what career path I wanted to grow in, and figuring out who I was in the process. I no longer could be that carefree party girl and do whatever i wanted because my kids needed me, i no longer had the energy or desire for it either. I no longer was wearing the same clothes, so i focused on fitness and got into great shape. But that didn’t last long, I dove into a deep depression trying to find happiness anyway i could and that didn’t work. So I split from my husband we went separate ways; I tried to find myself again but this time the change was dramatic. What i realized is you do lose yourself as a mother sometimes, as a wife even; but you can find yourself again. I don’t regret any of the struggles and pain i endured, the moments of utter despair and loneliness pushed me to heal myself.

I realized that I had no comparisons really to what being a mother really is, because I myself did not have a real mother. I let my trauma from that consume me and felt more victimized because of that; i could no longer relate to my former self and that scared me. But did I really want to be my former self? not really, I wanted to grow and connect to myself in ways I hadn’t before. So in retrospect I had to lose myself to find myself again. its hard nowadays with the comparisons and living in a social media era where everything looks perfect on screen, but I realize that were more alike than anything. Many women find themselves lost after having children because so much changes, including what we once loved to do that no longer don’t or cant. I dove into writing, I started my blog, my podcast, I decided I am good enough, my thoughts do matter. You can find your way also and you will, when you stop comparing yourself and realize that this is your world and you make it what you desire it to be. Im now in therapy weekly and thats also been a great outlet for me as a mother, I am more patient and kind to others and myself. I would suggest to any mom to not feel alone, talk to someone about how you feel you’ll be surprised how many of us feel the same way.

NYC based Blogger and Podcast Host, Advocate for Empowement and Mental Health Awareness