Rushing recovery, learning to surrender.

This year has been somewhat of a breakthrough for me. I’ve worked hard on myself, how I treat others; learning to balance the good in my life. Practicing kindness to myself, when in life it’s so easy to beat ourselves up at every mistake we make. But that’s life right? Learning, though the lessons may be hard and painful they somehow bring us closer to peace and healing. Thru every chapter of life I’ve noticed a sense of urgency in me, the need to be on to the next step; the easier chapter the one that’s less hard. Im so hard on myself, from the mistakes I make which is what humans do, to how I look I pick at every part of myself. Adding fuel to my stress, instead of sitting and enjoying just being still, absorbing life and coping with all that’s occurred in my life until that point. My life has been jammed pack with excitement, adventure, love, friendship and sorrow. Yet all of that came to a head last year when once again I tried to find myself and put myself together. Each decade of my life has been rushed, I rushed to grow up, to find love, to find my identity. And each time I thought I found it or knew who I was I lost myself again. Disappointed at what became of my life, upset of how little I thought I accomplished. When in reality the fact that I’m still here pushing towards my goals is an accomplishment in itself. And even if i failed in certain areas, I’m proud to say Ive lived and learned. We’re programmed to want to control everything when in fact that’s what causes the most anxiety and unnecessary pressures of life, learning to let go is one of the best but hardest things to do.

Yet, miraculously somewhere along the line you figure out what works for you, it just clicks what brings you joy. I’ve always been a free spirit, never liked to conform to everyone’s ideas of happiness. When people asked me what i love to do it’s easy. The arts, good restaurants that have a great dessert menu, music (live music preferably ) traveling the world, giving love and receiving it from others, writing (whether in poetic form or blogging) . These are some of the things that make life beautiful, so the pains of life somehow become tolerable. Wasting years rushing to clock in and give away my days to companies who could care less about me, wasting years being around people who didn’t truly love me; so many things that I should’ve been grateful for that I took for granted. You realize the struggles of your parents may now be yours, and as much as you may not want to be like them you’re just as they were. We hold our parents on a pedestal yet they’re just like us, human and trying to figure out life.

So today in soul cycle; as cliche as it seems, I had an epiphany. As much as we may want to rush every stage of our lives, and want more we need to be kind to ourselves. We need to forgive ourselves for the decisions we’ve made as painful as that may be. We need to realize that healing from all the bullshit that has happened in our lives takes time, a painful yet beautiful time. The best advice I’ve received is learning to surrender, letting go of that ego and need to control everything I feel. Which not only requires much strength but it immediately makes you feel better when you do. It’s not an easy process but it is a much needed one. You’re so fortunate to try and try again in life, you can create the life you’ve wanted if you work towards it. Stop comparing yourself to others, they’re on their journey and you living trying to impress them doesn’t matter because they’re doing the same thing. Breathe more, if you feel stressed out take five deep breaths; i like using my senses for that by naming something i hear, smell, taste, feel or see at the moment. It helps refocus your attention and slow down your heart rate. I loved that Netflix show by Marie Kondo where she helps people organizes their lives, giving gratitude to the things we have and keeping only the things that bring you joy. That comes in the shape of things or people. Most of our stress comes from the past or thoughts of the future, try to be more present and take it one day at a time, just breathe & do more of the things that spark joy.

NYC based Blogger and Podcast Host, Advocate for Empowement and Mental Health Awareness

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