I haven’t had the energy or mental capacity to write these last few months, to do anything in general actually; Except for the few moments of celebration like anniversaries or birthdays. It’s the toxic over productivity were programmed with, that has many of us feeling guilty for not doing much during this time. An introverts dream and an extroverts nightmare. It’s the normalization of what I’ve done during my depressive months that gave me a sense of peace; The binge watching nostalgic 90’s shows, rewatching Grey’s anatomy or Frasier for the thousandth time, the staying in bed all day. Life suddenly became less of a competition and time lost its sense of power, It’s been a time of reflection of sitting still, of feeling. Let’s start with the obvious, Covid came into this country like a thief in the night. Fear became so crippling for many, including myself at times. It shook us by our core, our level of entitlement shone bright for the world to see. A nation divided by the right to wear a mask, the fighting an elderly person for the last roll of toilet paper. It seemed surreal sometimes, yet not surprised by the greediness we witnessed this year. Americans have always had a sense of entitlement, that they’re better than others, that their rights matter more than anyone else’s. Each embarrassing event captured on camera made me retreat more, socialize less, realizing the change I wanted to see comes from within. I’ve experienced a lot of death in my life, lost a lot of loved ones yet losing more people this year hurt differently. Seeing how selfish people are until something effects them personally, grown people throwing tantrums of wearing a mask or not being able to get a haircut; while thousands buried loved ones. Covid taught me humbleness, it taught me the art of gratitude, it helped me connect with my family and myself. The last few years of self discovery, trauma healing and shadow work came full circle as the train of life seemed to have come to a full stop. For years I felt on a different planet then others, I didn’t want the same things other people wanted. I didn’t believe in following the guidelines of working tirelessly and burning out for money, I believed trauma was the cause of many of my emotions and actions. Suddenly, it felt like the whole world was forced to focus on the same ideals as me. Somewhat comforting honestly, the fact that the rat race had slowed down. The infrastructure of the world seemed to shift, and a great awakening began. For some people the loss of a job forced them to ask those important life questions, made them reflect on what really mattered; made them stop and look at the things they’ve ignored for so long.
History repeats itself until the pattern of consciousness has shifted, we’re seeing civil rights protests just like the 60’s; were seeing political divide and constant Facebook rants that break up families. Racism is nothing new, it’s sad that this is still a topic of discussion. For some pretending it doesn’t matter or exist is easier than dealing with the realities. For others the pain of oppression seems too much. For me personally I believe in a day where race won’t matter at all, but these uncomfortable moments in history are necessary for this change to occur. I learned to remove myself from unnecessary arguments where the goal of the conversation was unclear; most people are stuck in their own reality and coming from a place of anger brings more anger. However, protesting for people of color has always been frowned upon; labeled radical even. The people who are in charge of this nation showing their fear of losing that control, trying to convince its people that change isn’t necessary. While the masses watch feeling helpless, scared and uncertain of what will remain of this country. This isn’t a new feeling, the fact that my grandparents and my ancestors had the same fears is depressing to say the least. I feel for my children who are growing up through these times, I’m hopeful for the awareness of their generation and the fire for change in their eyes.
What I’ve realized during these months is we all feel the same emotions, so many of us are feeling the grips of depression tugging at our sleeves, keeping us isolated and feeling alone. These emotions are valid, considering all that’s occurred this year. There’s an awareness of the uncertainty that life holds, the fabric of life seems to have unravelled. The way I see it is this, the old way of thinking had to die so that the new can grow. I don’t think people realize how this world is run, who runs it, how much freedom we really have. You can choose to live in the matrix of what’s been taught to you or choose to learn the truth. By truth, I mean you can choose what this life means to you. No one is right or wrong because the only journey you have control over is yours, I no longer have the need to stroke my ego with every conversation. I observe more, listen more, talk less. I’m mindful about what I listen to, what I read, who I speak to and how. There are so many lessons I’ve learned this year, and as much as it’s hurt I have a love hate relationship with 2020. Without the dark times we can’t appreciate the light, it’s about honoring the duality and balance of life. It’s about mindset, and avoiding toxic positivity. It’s ok to not be ok, as long as you remind yourself what you’ve overcome and honor your strengths as well.
What has this year taught you about yourself? What do you do to honor your emotions?