Don’t you wish you could give the younger version of yourself advice? Man, the things my ego has taught me. Ego is linked with anxiety and fear, fear of being vulnerable and showing the side of yourself you’re not proud of. Like honestly, the things I’ve learned and experienced in this lifetime has humbled me beyond words. When we’re younger we think we got it all figured out, from the moment we get that diploma placed in our hands we feel like the world is ours. I was somewhat naive and shielded from what the real world was like, I thought I knew who I was and what I wanted out of life. And though I had no real world experience I had this chip on my shoulder as if people owed me something. I remember my first real job after high school; I had no experience whatsoever yet when I was given more responsibility, so my ego was like you’re not getting paid enough for this, so I quit. Years later I looked back and realized that was such a wasted opportunity and had I have been more patient I could have possibly been promoted and gone far in that job. You see, when you have a microwave mentality you want to see results fast and you’re also in this competing state with everyone else so you let that get in the way of the bigger picture. So after that job experience I learned to be more humble, no matter what the job I knew it was a stepping stone. Your need compete with everyone, to impress people, seems to fade once you’re able to love yourself fully without the need for validation.
My ego made me miss one of my closest friends weddings, because I was in the middle of a separation with my husband. Not because I couldn’t bear see others be as happy as I once was, but because I was so embarrassed my marriage had crumbled. What would people think, when my plus one was no longer? I mean i literally had my dress and shoes out on my bed, i stared at them for hours, crying at the fact i couldn’t pull myself together long enough for her special day. I couldn’t bear putting my pride aside for a friends happiness and that’s something I could never take back. She was so mad at me, understandably so, and it took me months to sincerely apologize. And our friendship was never the same. You build your ego up to protect you from getting hurt, and in return it becomes the thing that hurts you the most. Ego is what almost ended my marriage. I had this image in my head, of the perfect man for me. The perfect relationship that would bring me such happiness and peace because I deserved it. I didn’t get the wedding i dreamed of, or the bridal shower, i didn’t feel the butterflies after a year and in return i neglected us, because i wasn’t getting what i wanted. I lived comparing our marriage to what i saw everyone else doing online, So I checked out and played the blame game, not taking responsibility for the areas i needed to improve on. I was asking things of people without giving them the same in return. So the wall I built became so tall it blocked out the truth, which was I needed to become more humble and work on myself. I had so many trust issues, maybe it was my crappy childhood or the people who died that meant so much that made me this hard person. Growing up in a Hispanic culture pride was looked at as a good thing, you should never humble yourself for anyone. I was expecting so much and giving so little in return. When we split he worked real hard on himself, still being the dedicated father he was and I failed to appreciate. He started dating and it killed me. I asked myself “is this what you really wanted?!” And it wasn’t. I knew I needed to grow, to evolve, this egotistical version of myself had to go.
Karma has a nice way of kicking you on your butt, of humbling you to the point that you’re in the same position of people you’ve judged before. You see, you really don’t know what people go through until you yourself experience it. I had so much and lost it all as well; and though it seemed so painful that pain brought humility into my life. A humility I’ve never felt before. I began healing myself, forgiving myself for my past mistakes, and this tore down that wall i had up for so long. Trying harder to understand others, because now I knew that we all go through our own problems. I learned not to take everything so personal, because people only reflect what they feel inside, it has nothing to do with me. Once I started therapy I realized that I don’t have to compare myself to other people, I don’t have to live above my means or do what everyone else does because the pursuit of that did not make me happy. I learned to appreciate all that I have, and live in the present, not constantly planning for the future. I learned to fall back in love with my husband, to appreciate him for all that he does. And in return he’s been a rock in my life. I reached out to old friends who are no longer in my life and apologized for not being the best friend, I forgave those who hurt me; and in return I was given peace. And a painful chapter or two of my life has ended, and a bright humble one has begun. Ask yourself has ego really helped your life or hurt it?